Google Answers was a pretty cool Google service where you could ask any question at all and provide a reward to anyone who answered it.  Unfortunately, they shut it down, but there are a few imitator services around now. 

Google answered both my questions correctly (which had stumped me for years):

What are these old movies?:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview/id/598760.html

Where's Waldo?:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview/id/417778.html

Here's one of the other services, uclue, which made a valiant effort, but failed heartbreakingly to answer this question of mine about an obscure author:
http://uclue.com/?xq=1041

The ability of the main detective in Law and Order Criminal Intent to demonstrate expertise in every area of human endeavor is beyond ridiculous.  He know more about intra-high school volleyball regulations and the composition of laundry soap then I do about the feel of my nose residing on my face.  Every scene plays out pretty much like this:

PRINTING FACTORY AROUND QUITTING TIME, INT

Detective:  He was crushed beneath the printing press.

Foreman: I don't know how this could have happened...he was one of my best workers (sobs hysterically).

Detective: This gear...it went below his spleen, where it intersects with the gall bladder at the Gibaldinous Sector.

Foreman: Really? OK...

Detective: Wait! What's this on the ink dilateraliser...it should be at least 7 millimeters from the staining manifolds.  And the inciduous reclatternator is the wrong serial number!  This is clearly the X700 series; what's that doing on a full color biaphenous projection unit, which was only manufactured in Sweden in that period - 1977 if I'm not mistaken, and I'm not.

Foreman:  What the?  I built this machine with my own hands and I don't know nearly as much about it as you do!  I took a seven year doctoral study in the manufacture and operation of printing presses and you're far more of an expert than I am!  I'll pay you $700,000 a year to manage operations at all my factories!

Detective: $700k?  The market value for such a position is $783k, when accounting for postdoctoral education and experience in equivalent fields.

Foreman: Come on, man!  Even Sherlock Holmes only claimed to be an expert in a few select areas!

Detective: Well, listen...Wait a second, you're George Foreman!

Foreman:  I'LL GRILL YOU TO DEATH!

Bonus Round:  I want to star in a horrible sitcom where I end every episode by saying "If you know what I mean (turns head to camera, sly grin)...and I think you do!"  CUE UPROARIOUS LAUGH TRACK.  FADE TO BLACK.

Scary thought for the day: if everyone on Earth had the chance to push a button that would kill you, consequence free, probably about a billion people would push it, between raving psyco/sociopaths, personal enemies, those hostile to your religious and political beliefs or nationality,
and Tommy Lee Jones.  That crazy mother would kill anyone.

-Saturday:  Dropped my wife's diamond earring down the sink.  Managed to retrieve it, then dropped it down the sink again while cleaning it and it was gone for good.  Yes, I am that stupid.
-Sunday: Was driving home with a storage shed in my truck when it flipped out of my vehicle and exploded on the road.  Managed to retrieve it without incident.
-Yesterday: (A)  Somehow pulled a muscle in my neck while just sitting at my cube.  Went home sick and could barely move for the rest of the day.  (B) Dropped a heaping plate of greasy Chinese food all over the living room couch and floor after it was just cleaned.
-Today: Speeding ticket.  No proof of insurance.

UPDATE 7/7/09: Add to that list backing into a car in the parking lot and $3k of fraud on my PayPal account in the last week.

Pop Quiz: In which of the following Terminator films does Judgment Day occur?

(A) Terminator
(B) T2: Judgment Day
(C) T3: Rise of the Machines
(D) Terminator Salvation

The correct answer is (C) T3: Rise of the Machines.

Wikipedia needs a template that says "This article was written in a manner to prove the intelligence of the authors, rather than in an effort to enlighten and inform readers."

Take this for example.

I should have known this post was going to come back to haunt me.  Certain individuals have found out about it and are now persecuting me for my beliefs.  This is the reason I have chosen to remain anonymous on my blog, but apparently I didn't do enough.  I am now under review for suspension at work, and have been uninvited from several birthday parties.   Thanks, internet!

Bonus Round:

Can anything else be 'fell' other than a 'fell swoop'?

I got second place in Chip MacGregor's bad poetry contest for the second year running (well, if you rule out the fact that his wife won last year) under the psuedonym Fred Gippler.  Next year I will dominate!  Here are my entries:

2008

Man, like every third kid on Sesame Street is in a wheel chair.  What, did they never get the polio vaccine or something?

Josh:         Did you know I can make a round square?
Mrs Josh:  I don't know things that are false.
Josh:         It's reasons like that why we don't have flying cars.
Mrs Josh:  It's reasons like that why we don't have flying cars that crash all over the place.
Josh:         That grammar's terrible.
Mrs Josh:  What? I just repeated the sentence structure you used?
Josh:          It's reasons like that why we don't have good grammar anymore.

Bonus Round:  If you keep taking everything I say literally, you're going to end up with egg all over your face

I went to the zoo when I was a kid and bought some ice cream which said $1 on the menu, but they told me it was actually $0.50 and gave me change.  I told the lady "This policy makes no sense...you're losing all the customers you'd gain if it was $0.50, but you're losing all the revenue you'd gain if it was $1.00"

Bonus Round
This is a real story about the zoo and ice cream, making it the best story ever.

Here are my favorite 'Would You Rather's that I thought of (as I recall).  These are the ones where the answer tells you the most about a person, starting with my favorite.

-Would you rather know that both the best and worst day of your life are behind you or ahead of you?
-Would you rather be the best in the world at one thing or second best at two?
-Would you rather have a machine that can create anything you can conceive, or a machine that creates random objects that you could not conceive?
-Would you rather have a perfect, limitless holodeck (virtual environment) that only you could enter, or the abilities of Superman in the real world?
-Would you rather have your mom be able to monitor and censor anything you communicate to others, or your father monitor and censor any information coming in through your 5 senses?
-Would you rather be trapped on a desert island with A)the collected written works of mankind but no internet access, or B) unlimited Wikipedia access (but no calling for help)

And a few just for fun:

-Would you rather laugh like a hyena or cry like a newborn?
-Would you rather move underwater as you now move out of water (can only travel on the lower surface, but can move quite quickly and breathe freely), or move out of water as you now move in water (your maximum speed is very slow, but altitude is not an issue)
-Would you rather have exclusive rights to Ghostbusters 9 but you can only make it if Ghostbusters 8 is created, or exclusive rights to 'Stop or My Mom Will Shoot! 2'
-Who would you rather appoint as supreme dictator: a random Joey or a random Steve?
-Who would you rather switch bodies with -  a random Ivory Coast citizen or a random 7 year old anywhere on Earth?
-Would you rather Mike Tyson has a death grudge against you or Bill Gates, with all of his resources?

Bonus Round

IM conversation with Bill Zunderman (Mike Tyson frequently figures in to our 'would you rather's):

Josh    WYR Mike Tyson have a death grudge against you, or have the universe altered to its current state but the laws of reality match that of a random movie
Bill       like if it was terminator, there's a nuclear holocaust coming
Bill       Mike Tyson
Josh     or it could be an Adam Sandler movie and things would just get totally goofy
Bill       there's nothing on IMDB that goes to a random movie... dang!
Bill       I want to see what it would have been
Bill       wait, there's a way
Bill       hold on...
Josh    yeah
Josh    replace the index in the url
Josh   oh man!
Josh   "Blade: The Series"!!!!!! [Editor: A vampire show - about the worst thing I could have possibly gotten]
Josh   is what I got, ha!
Bill       http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082644/
Bill       Vijay is the illegitimate child of a wealthy businessman and a beautiful singer. Abandoned as an infant and raised largely by a shiftless drunk, Vijay is now grown up and, unbeknownst to everyone, working for his own father. In order to marry his true love Mohini , however, he's going to have to find out what his true ancestry is--even if doing so throws everybody's life into chaos.
Bill       man, that sounds dumb
Bill       it's some kind of Indian crappy movie
Bill       how did you do it?
Josh     sounds about as close to the status quo universe as you could have gotten
Bill       I just used Excel to randomize a number between 1 and the number of a recent movie
Josh     not very scientific - yeah that's better
Bill       and popped it into the URL
Bill       =RAND()*320000
Bill       http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091072/
Bill       "Private detective is hired by rich man to find his niece, who has disappeared while traveling in Europe."
Bill       hahaha

Do you want the new good news or the bad news first?

The bad news.

OK-the bad news is there is no good news.

What's the good news?

There isn't any.  I just said that.

Bonus Round: There's not bonus round either.  Sorry.

'Assume' is a weird word because whenever you say 'Assuming x', you're really not assuming x ("to take as granted", from Merriam-Webster). you're stipulating it.  And whenever you don't say 'assuming x', you are assuming x--taking it as granted.

x = 'Individual human organs cannot technically be described as "alive"',  by the way.

Bonus Round: Dictionary.com is a terrible dictionary.  Take "taco", for example: "A corn tortilla folded around a filling such as ground meat or cheese."  Huh?  So it can't have meat and cheese?

From the Wikipedia article about The Man in the Yellow Hat in Curious George:

"The Man is never mentioned by name in the original adventures, or in any subsequent content over more than six decades...This tradition was broken in the 2006 film, in which the Man is referred to as 'Ted Shackleford'".

Ted Shackleford??? What a pathetic waste to 60 years of tradition.  I think all violations of sacred traditions should henceforth be called 'pulling a Ted Shackleford'.

Conversation with my 5 year old niece on Christmas Eve:

Me: What is your earliest memory?
Her: When I was one years old.
Me: What were you doing?
Her: I don't remember.
Her:...but after that I was two years old.

What's up with songs called "The way Betty churns butter on a warm Tuesday morning or Give me more of those sweet hot tamales."

You get to pick one name for a song, people.  You don't get to present options. 

What's next, nested title logic?:  Smells Like Teen Spirit OR (Life is Stupid AND (Here We Are Now, Entertainers OR NOT Hello, Hello, Hello))

I got mad at how inflated the big three article on Wikipedia is with sets of things that have never been referred to as 'the Big Three' in the history of life on Earth (Usher, Rihanna, and Beyonce? Game Boy, Game Gear, and Atari Lynx?  No one has ever called those the big flippin three!), so I added my own entry - tomato soup, Las Vegas, and 1941.  Let's see how long it sticks.

Other big 3 suggestions by me and Bill Zunderman - lava, learning  to ride a tricycle, and 93; Principles of War, Athletics at the 1908 Summer Olympics Men's discus throw, and Walter.

Bonus Round:  I have another fake Wiki that has stuck for years but I'm not going to spoil it by posting it here.

Conversation with a coworker

Me...    I went to get my emissions check today and I was $.30 short of the $27.75, so I had to use the ATM and pay a $1.50 fee
Me...    The guy was literally seconds away from making me go through the whole line again because I was rifling through my car for change
Frank...    it sums up everything wrong with this country.
Frank...    you know that little booth you stand in while they rev up your engine?  you should have pissed in it.
Me...    probably wouldn't be the first
Me...    or the last